Escaflowne meets Lord of the Rings
by Escagurlie
Summary: Well, this is my screwy fic about when Escaflowne meets the characters from Lord of the Rings. Hey! If you haven't seen the movie, go see it! Its the best movie I've ever seen! LEGOLAS IS HOOOOOOOTTT!!!!!! *drool* bring a drool bucket! CHAPTER 5 IS UP!!!!
1. spiders go squelch

Disclaimer: I do not own Escaflowne or any of the characters on the show which is probably a good thing or else they would all be REALLY screwy.SO DON"T SUE ME!  
  
Spiders go squelch  
  
  
  
It was a pretty day on Gaea. Then it wasn't cuz then it started raining......riiiiiight. Van sat on his bed and stared at the rather large spider crawling on his leg. Then Hitomi walked in. she sat down beside Van.  
  
"There's a spider on your leg." she stated  
  
"yeah....." replied Van as the spider stopped and froze.  
  
Then Allen walked in. He sat down on Van's other side and also stared at the rather large spider.  
  
"There's a spider sitting on your leg." He told him  
  
"yeah...." said Van as the spider grew a little bigger.  
  
Then Millerna and Dryden walked in and sat beside Htiomi. They stared at the spider.  
  
"That's one big spider. I wonder what it's worth...."  
  
"It's mine....." Van slurred  
  
Millerna stared at it some more. About three minutes later, her eyes went super wide.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! There's a big ugly spider sitting on your leg!!" she screamed.  
  
"yeah....." said Van as the spider started to look constipated  
  
Then she stopped screaming and stared some more. Then Gaddess walked in along with Merle.  
  
"hmmmm........Did you know there is a spider on your leg?" said Gaddess  
  
"yeah....." said Van  
  
Then Merle said, "Van-sama, why do you have a spider on your leg?"  
  
"yeah....."  
  
Merle looked confused but then shrugged and sat down at Van's feet with Gaddess and stared at the now positively huge, constipated spider. Then Folken and the two kittie twins came in.  
  
" Spider!!!!!!Mmmmmmmmmm.....!" said the two cat girls, licking their lips  
  
" It's mine....." warned Van  
  
" You have a large wolf spider on your leg, little brother." said Folken  
  
"Yeah....." said Van  
  
Then Dilandau, the Dragonslayers, Jajuka, and ........nobody else.....came in and sat ontop of everyone except Van since there wasn't any room on the bed anymore.  
  
"Eew...there's a spider on your leg!" said Chesta  
  
"Oooohhh....I never sawed one that big before!" said Guimel  
  
"Uh....why is everyone just staring at the spider on Van's leg?" said Miguel  
  
"That thing is very unattractive." sniffed Dalet  
  
" ......o_0...........?" said....wait,no.......uh...went (?) Gatti  
  
" Maybe that spider will bite Van and kill him. Yessss............then that spider would be my best friend.heheheheheHHHHAAAAA!!.......oh yeah.....there's a spider on your leg, Van." babbled Dilly  
  
"Yeah........oh.............yeah.......yeah......?.......oh,yeah." said Van.  
  
Then the spider made a squelching noise and then it laid a bunch of eggs.  
  
"Spider eggs!mmmmmmmmmmmm..!" said the two cat girls.  
  
Then the eggs hatched and a whole bunch of baby spider were skittering around all over the bed and on everyone.  
  
"Baby spiders! Mmmmmmmmmmm..!" screamed the cat girls  
  
"Fluffy had babies!" yelled Van in delight  
  
"There are baby spiders crawling on me." said Hitomi.  
  
"ACK! These things might get in my hair!" screamed Allen  
  
" Are spiders bugs? because if they are, they creep me out." said Gaddess as they crawled up his face and into his nose  
  
" Van-sama? Why are there spiders crawling everywhere? " questioned Merle  
  
" Hmmm....I bet I could catch at least one and sell it..." said Dryden  
  
" Aaaaaaaaaawwwwwww! BABIES ARE SOOOOOOOO CUTE!" said Millerna  
  
" .........get off......." Folken frowned as they crawled on his cloak  
  
"YUMMY!" yelled the two kittie girls as they gobbled up as many as they could  
  
" eeeeeeeeeeEEEWWWWWWWWWwwwwwww!" yelled Chesta  
  
" Oooohhh.....I never sawed any that small before!" said Guimel  
  
" Now those are just as unattractive....!" sniffed Dalet  
  
" urk......blaaaah" said Miguel as he ducked over the bed and tossed his cookies  
  
"...........o_0......?" went Gatti  
  
" One of these has got to bite Van. Maybe all of them will! I'll have a gazillion new best friends! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" laughed Dilly maniacally  
  
Then they all realkized how gross this was and they all screamed  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*pantpa nt*....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" They screamed in unison  
  
Then the baby spiders grew to 50 feet tall and crashed out of Van's bedroom and then Fluffy died and Van screamed  
  
" CINDERELLA! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
  
  
END OF CHAPTER 1  
  
Authors note: yeah.....um I was on a sugar high when I wrote this, so don't ask. Actually, well, I guess I must always be on a sugar since I write a lot of stories but alla them are pretty gosh darned wierd but where would I get so much sugar since there is basically NO sugared items in my baka house and the only other thing that makes me hyper is fire and my mommy took away all my matches and candles! Waaaaah! uh........I'm babbling on again. Just like Dilly-kins! Um, riiight. Well, onto the next chapter. I have absolutely no idea where this stupid story is going. Its just plain stupid and has no friggen plot! Well, anyways, if it makes ya happy, you can take out your confusion by flaming me. ehehe... it IS fire...wait....no it isn't....dang. 


	2. In the weapons room

Disclaimer: I do not own Escaflowne or any of the characters on the show which is probably a good thing or they would all be REALLY screwy. SO DON'T SUE ME!  
  
In The Weapons Room  
  
So a whole bunch of spiders....awww...heck...I don't feel like writing now...my soup's gettin stone cold.  
  
Alright...I'm here. Let's get on with the story, eh?  
  
So a whole bunch of spiders were tromping around in Fanelia. Van, Hitomi, Allen, Gaddess, Merle, Millerna, Dryden, Folken, the kittie twins, Dilandau, and the Dragonslayers were still sitting on Van's bed.  
  
" Cinderella?" said Gaddess  
  
" CINDERELLA!!!!!!!!!ACK!!!! NOOOO! DON'T GOOOO! I-I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!!!AAAAAAAAAAAHHWAAAAAAAHAHA!!!!" screamed Van  
  
" B-but I thought it's name was Fluffy!" said Gaddess  
  
" Fluffy? NOOOO!! NOT FLUFFY TOOO!!! THE WORLD IS AGAINST MEEEEE!!!!!" Van continued  
  
" Aaaaaallriiight....I'm not gonna say anything." mumbled Gaddess.  
  
Van abruptly stopped crying. He looked around.  
  
"Breezy in here, aint it?" he commented  
  
" Half your room's been knocked down, you idiot." said Dilly  
  
" Oh yeah. Well, we should stop that horde of 50 foot spiders from destroying Gaea, shouldn't we?" Van said sensibly  
  
" Destroy........hmmmmm...well, if they're gonna destroy stuff, shouldn't we leave them to it?" smirked Dilandau  
  
" No, Dilly" said Millerna  
  
" YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!LETTHEMLETTHEMLETTHEM!!! and don't call me Dilly, you stupid princess ditz." Dilly said  
  
" But when they get to Zaibach, they'll kill your emporer, Dornkirk." said Hitomi  
  
" Good." said Dilly as he performed his magnificently sleazy smile  
  
" Ummm.....but, they'll destroy the Vione!" said Hitomi  
  
" So?" Dilly rolled his eyes  
  
" They'll ruin your Alsiedes!"  
  
" I can get another one"  
  
" They'll break your swords!"  
  
" They're just swords."  
  
" they'll crush your flamethrower collection!"  
  
" I can buy........WHAT!!!!????!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!THOSE BAKAS!!! I'LL KILLEM! I DON"T CARE IF THEY BITE VAN!!! NOBODY AND NOTHING GETS NEAR MY BABIES EXCEPT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He raged  
  
Hitomi smirked in triumph  
  
" Knew that'd get him."  
  
With that, Dilandau jumped off the bed and raced out of the room.  
  
" Let's go with him." said Dryden." This freak...I mean...uhhh...aww heck! This freak may be of use!"  
  
So they all disentangled themselves from each other and trudged out of Van's ruined room.  
  
They found Dilly in the weapons room examining each sword; trying to figure out which one to use.  
  
Van grabbed his Fanelian sword quickley off the shelf before Dilly found it. He then got the armour he wore while slaying his dragon and began putting it on. Everyone just stood there watching.  
  
"Well, everyone should get some armour and weapons." he told them  
  
So Hitomi grabbed a long, slender sword off the shelf and some duelling armour and tried putting on but didn't succeed. She tried to put the gauntlets on her ears and the breastplate on her pelvis.  
  
Van sauntered over and helped her put the right items on the right body parts.  
  
Allen sharpened his sword and changed into a pair of whiter, cleaner gloves. Then he whipped out his comb and dramatically brushed his hair.  
  
All the Dragonslayers had to do was grab a sword and sharpen it since they never went anywhere withput their armor after a nasty experience involving ketchup and pickles....(?).  
  
Merle grabbed a cross bow and then sat in the corner filing her nails  
  
Gaddess sharpened his own sword and sat down beside Merle.  
  
Dryden grabbed the shiniest, most expensive gear he could find and put it on  
  
"At least if we get separated, I can sell this stuff for a ride home!" He smiled  
  
Van glared at him. His attention went to his brother.  
  
" We still have some of your old armor on the far shelf, Folken." he said and smiled  
  
" Thanx, bro!" He smiled  
  
Everyone screamed.  
  
"AAAAAAA!! He made an expression!" They screamed  
  
Van and Folken looked confused. Then everyone smiled and reusmed preparing to go find the horde of 50 foot spiders.  
  
Soon, the only one left, was Millerna. She was standing there, in the middle of the room with alook of utter terror on her face.  
  
Van approached her cautiously."What's wrong? Don't you want some armor so you don't get hurt?" he said, soothingly  
  
"THIS STUFF!!!!AAAAAAHHH! I-I-I-I-I....IT...IT...IT DOESN'T...IT DOESN'T...." she stuttered  
  
"It doesn't what?" said Van who was now thouroughly freaked out " IT DOESN'T MATCH!!! she screamed  
  
Everyone sweatdropped and fell down anime style.  
  
" AUGH! So what?!?! Just get some armor on you idiot! Who cares if it doesn't match! As long as you're protected,......waitaminnit...nooo, Millerna, don't wear any armor....heheheheheh..." Dilly snickered  
  
Everyone caught his drift and smirked  
  
" OKAY! LET'S GO!" Said Folken loudly as to distract Millerna from perhaps, actually thinking.  
  
So they all clanked their way out of the castle except Millerna who didn't clank at all.*Escagurlie smirks magnificently just like Dilly*  
  
End of chapter 2  
  
  
  
Authors note: hehe...well, all I have to say is that .......uh.....nevemind. I can't remember. On to the next chapter! ( I can't belive you're still reading this!) 


	3. Lord of the sexy shirts along with some ...

Disclaimer: I don't own escaflowne or any of the characters which is probably a good thing or they would all be REALLY screwy. SO DON'T SUE ME! I don't own Lord of the Rings or anything that is in the books. SO NO SUE ESCAGURLIE!!!!  
  
Lord of the Sexy Shirts Along with Some Other People  
  
Well, everyone was walking out of the castle to find Fluffy's (or Cinderella's.......I dunno......?) 50 foot offspring. They were all weighed down with heavy armor and weapons except for Millerna who was just too stupid to protect herself ( much to the other's delight I might add). They walked outside and the sky went all black and lightening flashed.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" screamed Millerna. "Allen!!!! Help me, Allen!" and she jumped into Allen's arms and latched onto his neck. However, Allen's keen sense on catching women when they fall wasn't switched on. He was, instead, watching Dilandau, who had stopped and started bouncing up and down a bit. Then some awesome bass sounded in the air and he started shaking his little tush and jumped around.  
  
Then he started singing (whispering at first and then growing louder) "I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love, love's going to leave me!"  
  
Then the kicken music came on.  
  
"I'm too sexy for my shirt , too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts. I'm too sexy for my land, too sexy for my land, New York and Japan! And I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party, no way I'm disco dancin!"  
  
Everybody was lookin at him like he was crazy now. Waitaminnit, he is crazy! Anyways, then Merle started bouncing up and down too. She soon joined in with Dilandau  
  
" I'm a model! Ya know what I mean and I do my little turn on the turn on the catwalk, ya on the catwalk, on the catwalk! I do my little turn on the catwalk!" They sung as they danced around.  
  
Then Van, Hitomi and Allen jumped in.  
  
" I'm too sexy for my melef, too sexy for my melef, too sexy....?! I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat, watcha think about that?!!!"  
  
Soon, Gaddess, the Dragonslayers, Folken and the catgirls had started singing too  
  
" I'm a model, ya know what I mean, and I do my little turn on the catwalk, ya on the catwalk,on the catwalk, ya I shake my little tush on the catwalk!!"  
  
Everyone was now jumpin around, shakin their butts, and singing at the top of their lungs. Except Millerna.  
  
" I'm too sexy for my, to sexy for my, too sexy for my...I'm a model, ya know what I mean, I do my little turn on the catwalk, ya on the catwalk, on the catwalk, ya I shake my little tush on the catwalk!!!!!!!.......I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat, porr pussy, poor pussy cat! I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love, love's going too leave me. And I'm too sexy for this song!!!!!!!" They screamed and lightening flashed and Millerna screamed" I'M TOO SEXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Everybody screamed and lightening flashed again except this time, it was far brighter. Then, all of a sudden, 13 people appeared in front of them.  
  
There were four hiobbits, one....thing, two wizards, three elves, a dwarf and two men.  
  
Then the gorgeous male, blonde elf screamed out " WHAT THE HELL??????"  
  
  
  
Authors Note: Well, are you happy? LOTR characters are here. thanx for reviewing! I love you guys! 


	4. 31's company

Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne or any of the characters which is probably a good thing or they would all be REALLY screwy. SO DON'T SUE ME! I don't own Lord of the Rings or anything in the books or movie. SO NO SUE ESCAGURLIE!  
  
31's company  
  
So here was most of the Escaflowne cast, standing there and all of a sudden, thirteen strangly attired people (well, so to speak) popped out of thin air. Once the hot elfy man had finished his screaming, they all stared at one another. In the newly arrived posse, there was a short, squat, burly looking dwarf with a long, reddish brown, frizzly beard, four brown haired hobbits, one of which was fiddling with something in his pocket. One of the other hobbits noticed this.  
  
" OY! Stop that, Frodo!" He said as he whapped the other hobbits hand.  
  
" oooooowwwwww!" the young, blue-eyed halfling whined  
  
After that little scene, our original cast set to staring at the others again. Carrying on, there were two men. Both had shoulder length brown hair. The one with the darker brown hair was wearing a weather beaten, dark coloured tunic thing and a dark green cloak. The other was attired also in a dark tunic thing, but it was better kept. he also wore the dark green cloak. Next, there were two wizards. One was wearing long, white, pretty robes and he had a long white beard and girly hands. The other was dressed in a grey travelling cloak and wore a wide brimmed, grey hat. He also had a long white beard. Both had staffs that had a little gem or stone set in the top. Then there was a little bluish green creature who was cringing on the ground muttering. All the Esca cast could catch were the words 'precious', 'fish' and 'baggins' along with the occasional 'gollum'. He had large, googly eyes and looked as though he hadn't had a bite in months. Next there were three, tall elves. The first one had long, brown hair which was brought up in a kind of half ponytail (y'know the things I'm talking about). He wore long, earthy coloured robes that had lots of intricate designs on them. The next elf was the only female in their group. She had shoulder length brown hair and wore a floaty, purple dress with beads in it. The very last member of this group was a very attractive, blonde elf. He was tall and had gorgeous chestnut eyes and perfect skin. He wore a green tunic and the same dark green cloak the men wore. Except it looked ten times better on him.;). He had a long bow and a quiver of arrows behind his back. ooooohhh he was gorgeous! Millerna, Hitomi, the cat twins, and Merle were all drooling at the sight of him. He looked all nervous and his keen eyes were darting all over the place. Everyone was still just staring at the members of the opposite party. The blonde hottie took a deep breath.  
  
" WHAT THE HELL?!?!"  
  
This snapped everyone out of their trance.  
  
" who, or what ARE you guys!!!" Van yelled.  
  
" Well, from what I can see," said Folken " That stout fellow with the beard is a dwarf, Those short guys are hobbits, Those two taller dark guys are men, the two robed, white bearded fellows are wizards, the three taller ones with the good hair are elves and THAT," he said, pointing at the gollum creature " is a...a-a.....a.. Thing."  
  
All the Escaflowne characters stared at him and backed away.  
  
" WHAT THE HELL!!!! WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?????????? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!!!!! WHAT-THE-HELL!!!!!!!" screamed the blonde elf  
  
Allen stepped forward. " you, my friend with the good hair, are on the planet Gaea and we are people who live here."  
  
"oh..........." he said in response  
  
" Let me introduce our group." said the grey wizard " I am Gandalf, this other wizard here is the bimbo, Saruman, these four hobbits go by the names of Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin. The two men are Aragorn and Boromir, the elves go by the names of Elrond, Arwen and Legolas, and this creature-thing here is gollum." then he whispered " He's a little......you know...loopy. One too many times with The Ring on his finger......"  
  
All the Esca people were very confused. Where did these people come from? How did they get here? What was The Ring? When were they gonna have lunch?  
  
Dilandau stepped forward. " What is this Ring you speak of?"  
  
Folken turned to him. "hmmmmmmm...if I recall correctly, this Ring, he speaks of, is the One Ring. Forged from the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord, Sauron created it many years ago to gain complete control over the world. But he lost it and it was found by this little fellow here." he said, pointing to Gollum. " The ring took over Gollum until one day, it betrayed him and a hobbit who is not present here, by the name of Bilbo Baggins, found it."  
  
Now this did not only freak out the Escaflowne cast, but also the Lord of the Rings cast. But I'd say it freaked out the Ring cast the most. This was made clear when Boromir lunged forward and tackled Folken.  
  
" How do you know so much about the Ring? HOW! howhowhowhowhowhowhow! Tell me! tellmetellmetellme! Are you all spies of the Dark Lord? AAGH! They're out to ge us!Run! Rn for your lives! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! homina-homina-homina-homina-homina-" he gabbled on as Folken cally picked up the freaked out, still 'homina'ing man and gently dropped him aside.  
  
" Actually, I dunno how I know so much! I just do! After all, I AM a dark, mysterious genius!" He smiled.  
  
" AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" screamed Dilandau and the slayers. " he made a face again! He made a face!! AAAAAAAGH!!"  
  
Now the Ring cast was thoroughly frightened and they all started drawing their weapons. Legolas aimed his bow. Argorn drew his sword. Gandalf and Saruman raised their staffs. Boromir also drew his sword, as did the hobbits. Gollum just shrank back into the shadows. Elrond didn't need swords or bows. He had his super karate kick!!!!! Arwen was too much of a sissy to bring a weapon. She whimpered and hid behind Aragorn.  
  
At that moment, all the Esca people stopped running around screaming and stared at the Ring cast.  
  
" YAGH!!!!!" yelled Allen and they all drew their swords.  
  
So both groups lept together and started fighting. Except Legolas. He lowered his bow and stared at Arwen who was still cowering behind the Ranger. Then Dallet came up behind her and killed her. "oh well. Never really liked her anyway." He thought whilst shrugging. Then he noticed Dryden who was skittering around in the back. He walked up to Legolas. He started crawling on him and examining his bow.  
  
"oooooohhhhhhhh......this would sell nicely!"  
  
So Legolas wocked him off his head and onto the ground. Then he shot him. Dryden died. mwhahahahahaha.  
  
"mwhahahahahahaha........" laughed Legolas  
  
Then, all of a sudden, the Lord of the Rings people noticed Arwen was dead and the Esca people noticed Dryden was dead. They all cheered. Except Millerna who I wish had died instead. She screamed and ran up to him.  
  
"OH NO!!" she sobbed. then stopped " Oh Allen! Its so tragic! oh boo hoo!!!"  
  
She then hopped into his arms where he promptly dropped her.  
  
" oops" he said  
  
Then Dilandau straightened up and yelled.  
  
" I'M HUNGRY! I WANT LUNCH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
" oh goody!" said Pippin. " at least THESE people know what lunch is!"  
  
So they all walked inside to have lunch, completely forgetting the horde of 50 foot spiders they were supposed to be hunting.  
  
" So, whats for lunch?" asked Merry as they walked inside.  
  
So everyone was inside, except Millerna who was examining something on the ground. It appeared to be a plain, gold ring. She slipped it on her finger while saying "oooohhhh preeetty" and with that, she walked inside, not aware of a slinking shadow behind her  
  
End Of Chapter Four  
  
Author's note: This chapter wasn't as funny, I don't think. Oh well......it'll get more funny. If you didn't know, it was The One Ring that Millerna found and now Gollum's stalking her. hhehehehehe....on to the next chapter!!! 


	5. They Ate Lunch

Disclaimer: OH! Elfy is here to help me write this chapter and even though we are super-geniuses, the characters are not ours, dang it!!! (Elfy: yet......mwahahahahaha) oh and we don't own That song. It's by The Arrogant Worms and it's called 'I am Cow' (no duh). And neither is Monty Python.  
  
They Ate Lunch  
  
So they all trudged into the castle, only to find, that the chef was in a grumpy mood. He did not want to make lunch for 29 craaaaaazy people. But chef Erin did, thinking they were her family. Erin was the worst cook in the entire village so they wondered how on Gaea she got that job. But thinking was hard for our deranged little posse so they didn't. I mean, she was going to make them lunch!! Merry, Pippin and Dilandau really didn't care if she gave them food poisoning.  
  
So Pippin said,"I really care if she gives us food poisoning." ......(we know, Pip)  
  
So Erin went to the kitchen to make God knows what. Meanwhile our little clan sat down in the dining hall but there were not enough chairs. So they sat on the floor. (After all the females offered to sit on Legolas' lap). But Allen didn't want all that attention going to the pretty elf. That number was too much competition. So they on the floor, as I said before.  
  
So they sat around on the very hard, very cold, very rocky stone floor and looked at each other. Interesting. Then, all of a sudden, Hitomi went  
  
"EEEEE!!!!"  
  
But why!  
  
"Where is Millerna!!!!!".....................????  
  
Then, an annoying little voice floating in the air said, "Meow meow meow moew achk meeow"  
  
So then Miguel said " I didn't you knew Gealic, floating voice!"  
  
So Chesta said "Meow"  
  
Everyone was very confused except for Erin, for she was used to it, being stupid and all.  
  
So Gandalf said "I'm hungry! Where's our food!"  
  
Just then, Erin, who had been standing in the doorway, hopped over to everybody  
  
"Hop hop hop! I am the Easter bunny!"  
  
"Go get the food you stupid ditz!" said evil Boromir  
  
Anyways, so this is going nowhere (thanks to Elfy) so, we shall see what the reviewers have suggested.Now we shall ADVANCE the plot!All of a sudden, Erin walked in! Not very exciting, you say? Watch and learn...er read and learn! A big old Balrog stormed into the castle wall...DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!  
  
Dilandau hopped up and ran into it. BUT, it didn't burn him!!!! The Balrog sat Dilandau on his big fiery butt! Then went over to Erin and breathed on her food. Then low and behold, Erin's food was perfect! Of course, being stupid and a horrible chef, she hadn't put the food in the oven. But now, it was done! Erin had finally made the perfect meal! She began to walk over to the others but then, being stupid, she tripped, fell, and the food went splat.  
  
" DANG IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Erin yelled  
  
Meanwhile, Dilandau was still parading around on the Balrog's fiery butt. But then he slipped in the crack!!!  
  
So Sam shouted out " I will follow you into the fiery cracks of DOOOOOOMMM!!!!"  
  
So Frodo said "That was your pledge to me, moron!"  
  
So Sam said ".............oh well!" and he hopped in after Dilandau.  
  
We will now take advantage of this exciting moment to remind the readers that the 50 foot spiders are still out there, for no apparent reason.We now bring you back to your regularly schedualed excitment.....DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!  
  
When Sam found Dilandau, he was pretty hot. But Dilandau wasn't. He was having tea with the mini-Balrogs inside the Balrog's tummy. That made them think, a true mark of a Pokemon master. THIS BALROG WAS A FEMALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AIEEE!  
  
"AIEEE!" said Sam  
  
Dilandau all of a sudden hopped out of the Balrog, and talked to it in Balrogish.  
  
"Parlez-vous, francias???" He said  
  
" Oui, monsieur!!" replied the Balrog  
  
The others were confused. Number one, Dilandau was talking to a Balrog. Number two, the Balrog wasn't trying to drag him down into abyss. And number three, HE WAS SPEAKING FRENCH!!!!!!!!! And with a perfect accent, unlike Erin.  
  
"TOO MINISULTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed.  
  
They stared at her.  
  
"You insulted me, morons!!...." then she muttered to herself "can't these people speak French???"  
  
Dilandau quickly interpreted this to the Balrog  
  
"Blah blahbitty blah blah blah" He said. (The author is too much of a moron to know what this is in French....oh, wait, yes I do!!)  
  
"Tu minsults!" He said to the Balrog  
  
"That's what I said!" Erin muttered under her breathe  
  
Dilandau and the Balrog continued to talk for awhile. Soon, he turned to Erin and wlked over to her.  
  
"Since you are so stupid and such a horrible cook, I shall help you become better so people won't throw up after one bite of your meal." He said  
  
Then, all the little mini-Balrogs popped out of the Balrog in random places and trooped over to Erin.  
  
"They'll help you actually cook your food." Dilandua told the moronic chef.  
  
"Coolies!" replied Erin.  
  
So Erin and the mini-Balrogs trotted off to the kitchen to actually make proper, edible food. Meanwhile, the big Balrog skipped back out of the large hole he had made during his entrance. Dilandau got a bit sniffly but then stopped.  
  
"Farewell, my fiery friend!!! Until we meet again!!!!! MOERO!!!!!" He called to it  
  
"MOOEROOOOO!!!" It replied  
  
People were still confused. Van was staring at Dilandau, as were Allen, Hitomi and Merle, The Dragonslayers were smiling in happiness at the brilliance of their captain, Gandalf and Saruman were muttering to eachother under their breathe, The hobbits were getting really hungry and kept on glancing at the kitchen, The elves were just looking suave and cool, as usual (especially Legolas) and everyone else was just staring at the floor, for no apparent reason. Except for Gollum and Millerna. Where the hell were they?  
  
"Where the hell are Gollum and Millerna?" said evil Boromir  
  
"Don't swear. It's uncouth!" said good Boromir  
  
"Shut up and give the Ring!" said evil Boromir  
  
"I don't have the Ring!"  
  
"Oh, I'm so sure!"  
  
"I don't!!!"  
  
"GAHHH!!!" and he started ripping his clothes and biting himself.  
  
Everyone stared. Aragorn got up and pulled a straight jacket out of his pack and put it on Boromir. After a few strange looks were thrown about, they began to pay attention to what he had said.  
  
"Were ARE Gollum and Millerna??"  
  
"Meow meow meow meow achk meeow" said the annoying floaty voice that has been ignored for a while now.  
  
.........................??? "Huh?" said Gatti  
  
Then they all noticed Gollum jumping up and down, snatching at the air above him.  
  
"What are you doing?" asked Merry  
  
"My precioussssssssss! My precioussssssss!!!! We wants it back!!! PRECIOUSSSSS!!!! Give it to ussssss!  
  
Give it!" he wailed  
  
"Us?" said Van blankly  
  
Folken began to look thoughtful again.  
  
"uh oh. Here we go again." breathed Aragorn  
  
"If I recall correctly, this creature's real name is Smeagol. He was once a hobbit. Once the Ring began to take hold of him, he began to go.....as Gandalf said, a little loopy. He started talking different and often made noises in his throat that sounded like 'Gollum". Hence, the other hobbits bagen to call him Gollum. They soon drove him into exile. He became lonely and started talking to himself as though he were two people." He said  
  
Legolas stared at Folken. Folken noticed.  
  
"Yes?" he asked  
  
"Wow. Your'e smart. I think I've finally found someone who I can have an intelligent conversation with!" He said happily  
  
"Oh good! An intelligent person!! Let us have a good talk!" then he noticed Allen. "As long as Allen doesn't get too jealous,"  
  
Allen was staring darkly at the two intelleegent peoples.....er.....somewhat peoples. He oviously wanted to share hair secrets with Legolas.Legolas shot him a scared look and scarpered off to talk to Folken.  
  
Meanwhile, Gollum was still attacking the air. Finally, he caught an invisible something and dragged onto the ground.  
  
"EEE!!Get it off!! meow meow meow moew achk meeow!!!!!!" That voice said.  
  
Everyone had now realized this voice belonged to Millerna. But she was invisible. Invisible? That would mean that.......  
  
Frodo's hand dove into his pocket. His eyes went wide. Such pretty eyes. Deep, blue eyes. You could get lost in eyes that deep. You are lost in them. You are trapped. You are getting pissed off cuz this author is being moron. You are threatening her to stop. She does. You are no longer lost in those pretty, deep blue eyes thast you could easily get lost in.  
  
"She must be wearing the Ring!!!" The little cutie shouted.  
  
The whole Fellowship cast dove at Gollum struggling with the invisible Millerna.They latched onto her and began searching for her hands. Finally, Legolas found it and he quickly slipped the Ring off her finger. The rest of the cast crawled away. Except Gollum. He was still attacking the now visible Millerna. He bit off her finger that had had the Ring on it and then continued to mangle her.  
  
"Oh Allen! Help me! Meow meow meow meow achk meeow!" she screamed  
  
Allen ignored her and continued to throw dark glares at Legolas' shiny blonde hair. Legolas continued to throw Allen confused scrared looks. Millerna threw everyone desperate looks as Gollum continued to rip her apart.  
  
Soon, the stupid Ms. Aston was only a torso. Everyone started laughing and throwing telephones and photos at her..............???  
  
Gollum was panting and freaking out beside her but had stopped eating her because he had finally realized that she no longer posessed the Ring. Then Millerna looked down at her mangled self and died.  
  
Yes, folks, Millerna Aston was finally dead.  
  
"Hooray!!" yelled the Dragonslayers  
  
"Yay!" yelled Allen, Merle, Hitomi and Van  
  
"Yessssss!!!" yelled Gollum  
  
"YEAH!" yelled the rest of the Esca cast.  
  
The Ring cast stared in wae for a moment but the yelled out "HUZZAAAAAHHHH!!!"  
  
Erin pranced in during the midst of this and then yelled out "OY!!!! HEY!!!"  
  
Nobody payed attention.  
  
"Oy vey. HEY!!! LUUUUUUNCH!!!!!!"  
  
Everyone was still cheering over Millerna's death. Erin stormed over to Boromir (who was still in the straightjacket) and grabbed his horn off his belt and blew it.  
  
"LUNCH!!"  
  
This finally caught everyone's attention. Especially Merry and Pippin's.  
  
"Oh goody!" they proclaimed  
  
Everyone sat down and Erin set the actually real, edible food in front of them. They then sang Fanelia's national anthem  
  
I AM COW  
  
I am cow  
  
hear me moo  
  
I weigh twice as much as you  
  
and I look good on the barbeque  
  
Iam cow, I am cow, hear me moo!  
  
I am cow  
  
eating grass  
  
ethane gas comes out my ass  
  
and out my muzzle when I belch  
  
oh the O-zone layer is thinner from the outcome of my dinner  
  
Iam cow, I am cow, I am cow!!!!  
  
Then they all ate. It was actually good!  
  
"MMMMM! This is actually good!" said Pippin..................(we know, Pip)  
  
So they ate dinner and then they had desert. It was good too.  
  
"MMMMM! This is good too!" said Pippin...........................(we know, Pip)  
  
Then, all of a sudden, Van's eyes went wide. Such pretty eyes. Deep, brown eyes. You could get lost in eyes that deep. I'll shut up now.  
  
"Dude!!! The spiders!!!"  
  
"Dude!" said all the Esca people  
  
"Spiders?" said Elrond  
  
"Yes. Spiders. Before you came, we were going to go find these 50 foot spiders that are on the loose. We forgot about them."  
  
"Let us find them, achk!" shouted Gimli  
  
Saruman rubbed his hands together. 'If I can't have my Uruk-Hai here, perhaps I can use these spiders!'  
  
"Yes, let us find them!" he announced  
  
Before leaving, each of the LOTR cast made a statement. They went as this:  
  
Elrond: we shall be the Fellowship of the spiders.  
  
Aragorn: let's hunt some spider!  
  
Gandalf: *trying to get the door open* Mel-ar! MEL-AR!!!  
  
Saruman: Tonight, you will taste spider flesh  
  
Frodo: I cannot do this alone (Legolas: did we ask you to? If you did, you'd probably screw it up anyways. (ya, it's knida from one of my other stories.))  
  
Sam: Yes, mr. Frodo!!!....hehehe...*twitchtwitch*  
  
Pippin: so. Where areb we going?  
  
Merry: Those spiders are after something.....or someone.  
  
Legolas: Spiders! (Legolas has a knack for oversating the obvious. Remember the movie; orcs!)  
  
Gollum:.....gollum......  
  
Gimli: ACHK!  
  
Boromir: Ni!!! We can be the knights of Ni!!! (see Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Heh.)  
  
And they were off.  
  
A.N.: well, that's it. I finally found some time to write this up. Count on a lot of updates for the next while due to the strike thats going on here in Calgary (or will be happening on Tuesday. It's teacher's convention for the next few days and then Family day on Monday. Huzzah!) Well, hope you liked it! It's basically all I can do lately since I got braces. Ugh. Braces. Yuck........whatever. Read and leave a review!!! I'm starving foe them!!!!!!!!  
  
OH! Here is a poll or two for you to take.  
  
#!: should Erin (Elfy) come back and help me write the next chapter?  
  
a)yes  
  
b)no  
  
c)hell no  
  
d) other (please specify)  
  
#2: What should happen in the next chapter?  
  
a)They should go hunt the spiders and actually not get too sidetracked  
  
b) They all die  
  
b) they go hunt the spiders but they get sidetracked a helluva lot  
  
c) they join the circus  
  
d) The LOTR cast goes back  
  
e) one of the characters die (please specify which one  
  
f)other (please specify)  
  
Thankies!!!! 


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